Keeper of My Heart

From the first to the last breath I breathe
The Lord watches over me
You hear my cry and You know every need
The Lord watches over me
You never fail me, God
(Kari Jobe, Keeper of my heart)

One thing I can write with confidence is this, Jesus has never failed me.  And He never will.  His mercies are new every morning.  Great is His faithfulness!  As a follower of Christ who desires more than anything to please Him with my life, I have said these words more times that I can even count.  But in this "season" of life I pray and cry out to the Lord for these words to steady my heart, and for His arms to hold me together when I feel like falling apart.  And He has done just that, over and over and over. 

The Call
On Monday, April 28, the kids were really restless and sirens were going off everywhere.  We decided to make the best of it and drive South to avoid an approaching tornado and spend some "family time" together.  We had no idea that we would be running into a storm instead of escaping one.  That storm began with a call from our adoption worker.  It was "the call" every family waiting for a baby prays to receive.  I cannot tell you with words the emotions I had during that call.  At that very moment I loved that baby and his birth mother.  Sounds crazy, I know.  But nothing about adoption makes sense - it's beautiful and painful at the same time, it's redemption!  On Wednesday, April 30 we met the birth mother.  The very next day, May 1, our son was born.  A special day already because our firstborn, Katie, was born on this day eight years ago.  Saturday, May 3, we saw this precious life for the first time.  Steady my heart, Lord.

There are no words to describe what you feel at that moment.  There is no gap in love or affection, there were no thoughts of am I able to love this being even though he did not come from my womb, no doubts whether or not he would "fit" in our family.  None.  Absolutely none.  It's the beautiful, redeeming kind of love I felt when I gave my heart to my Savior thirteen years ago. 

Friday, May 16 we were getting ready to take the kids to see the baby and officially become his parents.  This was the day the birth mother was to "sign the papers" and place him in our arms.  At 10:00 a.m. with one call from our adoption worker everything came to a screeching halt.  Over.  Just like that.  No signature, no baby.  Ever.  Once again, I found myself without any words.  This time the abyss I felt myself falling into was so overwhelming, it was hard to breathe.  Steady my heart, Lord, I trust You. So many thoughts, so many questions, the tears would not stop and the ache was overwhelming. 

One of the things I learned - among many - was that guarding your heart does not always mean insulating it from pain.  The Cross was the most painful death.  It IS redemption.  It's painful, it's beautiful, it's what followers of Christ are called to.  We did a lot of things to "protect" our kids and family during this process.  We were "guarded" in many ways.  And I am grateful that we heeded this wisdom.  But even so, Christ asks us to trust and love.  And that, sometimes, is painful beyond words. 

I have really prayed over how transparent to be in this.  I want to protect and respect the birth mother and her family.  They are precious in the Lord's sight and Jesus loves them just as He loves me.  But I also want to share the suffering and realness of this because I know there are countless families who have gone through this and some who have yet to walk through this door.  The first thing I read after that call on that Friday was a blog post by someone who had been through two failed adoptions in one year.  God used those transparent words from that precious lady to reach down and comfort my soul.  Since that post she has written several more regarding their adoption journey.  And if I'm honest I will tell you I read them often.  So, I've decided to share some of the details of our journey, reaching deep down, being real and praying that God will use these humble words to minister to someone like me.

The Story
When we arrived at the hospital on Saturday, May 3, the adoption worker told us there were some risks with this birth mother.  She was very unstable, so many things she was facing that I will not disclose, but we were given the option to back out.  We prayed, I cried, the adoption worker cried, we prayed some more, I cried some more.  We felt the Lord so close speak to us, this is your son, whether you care for him for 3 days or for the rest of your life, trust Me.  So, we did just that.  We trusted and believed.  But honestly, this is not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear, you will bring this baby home, just hang in there a while.  Steady my heart, Lord, I trust You.  We spent the next few weeks nurturing and loving this baby and his mother.  There were so many sweet moments with her.  I am still amazed at the work of Christ.  He loves when we cannot. 

The baby was born a few weeks early and with some complications.  He had a long road ahead of him and remained in the NICU almost a month, but as each day passed, he became stronger and stronger.  On Mother's Day, we arrived with news that he was able to be held.  For the first time I was able to pick this sweet baby up and hold him.  Steady my heart, Lord, I trust You. 

I want to share this moment with you because the realness is intoxicating, overwhelming, terribly sad and beautiful at the same time.  I have blurred it for privacy and respect for his family.  All of the pictures we took were with his birth mother's permission. 

That was the last day I saw his birth mother.  I continued to visit him that week.  Thursday, May 15, I kissed his sweet cheek for the last time.  I'm digging deep here...Oh how I wished I would have known that was the last time.  So many things I would have prayed over him and said.  Don't get me wrong, we prayed fervently for him from the beginning.  But after that final call there were so many "ifs" that flooded my heart and soul.  If I had only been able to say goodbye.  If I had only been able to hug his mother and tell her I am not angry.  If only, if only, if only.  Steady my heart, Lord, I trust You. 

Grieving Well
Another thing I have learned out of this is when we grieve, there is healing in being real.  Christ already knows our thoughts, hurts and questions.  He catches every tear.  Even now, almost four months later, as I write and the tears fall, He sees, He loves, He comforts.  Jesus Himself asked for the cup to be passed, but if not Your will Lord, so be it.  There is no remedy except Christ.  In life and death, Jesus remains.  Either He is the Healer of wounded hearts and Freedom for captives, or He is not.  You do not have to walk alone in grief.  Healing does come in the name of Jesus.  Of course, that looks so different for each of us.  Another blog post by a friend speaks of this so vividly.  Romans 12:15 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep. The body of Christ plays a crucial part in the healing of it's wounded.  And I am so grateful for it. 

When people ask how we are doing, I say, "it gets a little better every week."  The Lord is so near.  He is Sovereign and Good and Just.  We are still a waiting family with Bethany Christian Services.  We still believe in open adoption.  We still have a desire to share our lives with our birth mother. There is redemption in our story.  Even though we may not see it this side of heaven, we trust the Lord!  So, please feel free to share our story and our adoption profile.  Pray for us, our baby and his/her birth mother.  Philippians 1:6 says I am sure of this, that He who began a good work is faithful to bring it to completion.  Jesus will do just that.  Whatever Your will Lord, so be it in our lives.

All Things Are Possible

Romans 8:28
Philippians 4:13
Jeremiah 29:11
Joshua 1:9

These are just a few of the scriptures that we have leaned upon and clung to since we began this journey.  And let me add, this is just the beginning.  We still have a ways to go - as should be expected.  But as we celebrate a win (2 actually:)) like a coaching family does on Saturdays, I am filled with such gratitude and overwhelmed with emotion.  This morning I delight in these Psalms of praise: 

Psalm 145:13 The Lord is faithful in all His word and kind in all His works.
Psalm 147:5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; His understanding is beyond measure.
Psalm 148:13 Let them praise the name of the Lord! for His name alone is exalted...

Oh I could just go on and on... 

I do need to share that while I am VERY grateful for the victories, the heart of my praise, however, is for how Jesus has never left us - and He never will.  His presence has been ever so real since day 1 (February 11, 2011).  The heart of my praise is out of gratitude that I have been discipled by many who have shown me how to dig deep into God's Word.  It's with humility that He would love me enough to still comfort me when I question.  It's thankfulness that we can go on and His mercies are new EVERY morning.  Sorrow may last or a night, but Joy comes in the morning!  Praise the Lord! 

Monday is a new day, and there is MUCH work to still be done.  But today we celebrate - victory on the field and victory in Jesus!!

Matthew 19:26

Jesus looked at them and said,

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

 

 First win ~ Rangers 42 Riverside 6

September 6, 2013

Second win ~ Rangers 31 McLaurin 28 (in overtime)

September 13, 2013

 

 

And if our God is for us...

Our God is  greater!  He is greater when we win, He is greater when we lose.

I actually started this post on Thursday and well, life happened, and I had to "save" it and come back to it later...

Now it is Saturday morning, Coach is driving to the Delta to exchange film, I am not real sure what time he got home.  The kids are still asleep and honestly if it weren't for the dog asking to go outside I would be too :).  So, I decided to open my blog and finish.  It's not much, but it is speaking VOLUMES to me today.  My humble prayer is that through the life God walks us through we can bless and minister to others as well.

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It's Thursday night - tomorrow is game day, worship music is on, kids are playing and dancing, I'm 'taking every thought captive' as I try to settle my nerves in preparation for Coach coming home....this is such an unsettled familiar place to me...and I often wonder if it is to anyone else...who else can even begin to understand what is going on here...

Then that sweet still small voice speaks to me, "Daughter, I understand.  I work all things for good to those who love Me.  Do you love Me?  Do you trust Me?  If I am for you, then who can be against you?"

God is for me.  God is for my husband.  God is for my family.  He has everything designed to work for His Glory.  Despite our circumstances, may I be found faithful in doing everything as unto Him. 

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'Fall'ing Forward

Oh My! I had not realized the last time I posted on here was last Christmas!!!  Forgive me, followers!  Amazing how time goes by so quickly ~ just another reminder to cherish every moment.

It's almost fall my friends.  And if you are the wife of a coach then you know what is expected and how to "tackle" the season ahead.  This time of year is so packed with expectation in the air you can almost cut it with a butter knife!! 

I am learning that no matter the history of your team - whether successful or not quite there yet - the community, parents, students and players seem to almost explode with anticipation of what are Friday nights this year going to bring.  And I am learning that no matter what Friday night does bring, God is faithful and He never leaves us!  EVER!  But He does have a plan, and it sometimes makes NO SENSE, but it's His even so.  And I am learning that as I grow closer to Christ, I am not so hesitant to fall forward and let Him catch me in the place that He has prepared just for us (me and my Coach).  And I am learning that walking by faith truly means to believe in what you cannot see. 

While victory on the field has yet to come, things are changing - lives are changing - my prayers are changing.  Maybe I have been a little selfish in the past and spent a little too much time praying for success on the gridiron, when in all reality real success is how we impact lives for Christ.  Is my life leading anyone to Christ?  Do I pray for salvation to come to the players, students, parents, etc.?  Do I love and serve the people in this community like Christ does?  My desire is to trust the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my understanding and acknowledge Him in everything I do.  Then I know God's Word says He will make our paths straight!

I look forward to hearing from you this fall!  Feel free to comment or email me at missiongridiron@hotmail.com 

Thank you for reading,

Carrie Cook
www.mscwa.com
Mississippi Coaches' Wives Association

Merry Christmas

                                        Merry Christmas from the Cooks!

These next few days are often the only "rest" days coaches get.  Take the time to thank them for their hard work and cherish every moment!  Hug and kiss your coach - no matter what circumstances you are in, Christ loves us no matter what and we are called to do the same.  For those with heavy hearts this season, for whatever reason, be comforted in the arms of Christ.  He is coming to make all things new one day (Rev. 21:5) and we will be without tears - forever!!  Hold on to this truth and embrace this holiday for what it is - remembering and celebrating our salvation, peace and freedom in Christ.

I want to thank all of you for "following" this blog.  Obedience is not always easy and it makes us uncomfortably sometimes, but so much blessing has come from this.  I hope and pray that you grow in the Lord more as you read. 

Merry Christmas!

Anxiety & Good Words

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.  Proverbs 12:25

This scripture jumped out at me today.  I have read it a hundred times. But today the Lord revealed to me a truth that I know my husband needs.  I am his helper (Gen. 2).  I am placed here to lift him up and give him "good words", not words of discouragement but encouragement. 

I am sure we are not the only ones whose job often brings about anxieties and stresses that if left unattended could really drive you crazy - literally! The great thing about a coaches' wives association is knowing and sharing things to help each other. So, if nothing else comes from this, know that - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

One thing we do have to remember is that our own words will fade away but God's words have the power to change lives!  So, when we go looking for that 'right thing to say when it's really bad', look to the scriptures.  That is where life is.  That is where we find hope, peace, encouragements, and words that are on a foundation that will never move (Luke 6).

A New Normal

My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.

This all familiar passage is from Luke 1:46-49.  Mary is singing a song of praise to her God, her Rock, her Savior.  And if someone who never has heard the name of Jesus or read the Bible was reading this, you would think she was just given some material blessing or easy promise of her future.  She is passionately praising His name, gratefully magnifying Him with everything in her. 

Those familiar with this passage know that this song was the response she gave after the angel visited her and after Elizabeth confirmed what the Lord had spoken.  She was pregnant - out of wedlock (socially and morally devastating) and without having known a man (physically impossible).  Even so, her response was praise!  Her response was obedience, completely giving over of herself to questions, fears, ridicule, gossip, frustration, and in those days, possibly death.

Imagine it.  Really, put yourself in her place. 

I find it very hard to.  Mainly because so many times when I am given a promise or asked to go and do things that seem impossible my response is doubt, fear, questioning the validity, and a bumbed out spirit - just to be honest.

As coaches wives, we are asked to give of ourselves in so many ways.  There are many things we go through that, other than probably a preacher's wife, no one else on this planet has to endure!  And how often do we get down in that "bumbed spirit" and question our role or if this is "where we are supposed to be"?

I am reminding you as I remind myself.  We were first created to be in fellowship with our Heavenly Father (Gen. 1), next we were created as a "helper fit for him (our husband)" (Gen. 2).  Because of this, we know all God's promises are true!  We are at this place because the God who created us knows better than us - yes He does :).    For me, even in this "season" of rebuilding - literally - I am here to support and help my husband and to shine the light of Jesus no matter how dark it gets....even as dark as 0-19 (and I am serious by the way :) ). 

Football is just a tool.  It is just the avenue Jesus is walking with us to reach people to spend eternity with Him.  He has given us all an avenue.  A road to walk down to ultimately bring glory to Him and many many souls to heaven.

Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow!